Knowing is one thing, Doing it is another thing

Ok my blog has moved to..

http://lightgreyroom.blogspot.com/

thanks.

Luke 8:37 "Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So He got into the boat and left."

When you embrace fear and dwell in it, you simply ask faith to go away.

But what then shall we do when we are afraid? Can faith co-exist with doubts, fear?

Mark 9:24 "… I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is going ahead and doing what you’re called to do in spite of your fear or simply do it afraid.

Everybody has faith, as little as a mustard seed it still can move a mountain.
Notice God doesn’t ask for a mountain-moving faith to get a mustard seed or other things.
Whatever measure of faith you have, start from there.
Just Do It Afraid! (and no, you don’t need a nike to do that =D)

It was late and I was creeping onto my bed (yeah I kinda sleep on the floor) when I checked my phone to know the time. It was 3:16 a.m which reminds me of Max Lucado’s latest book, "3:16, The Numbers Of Hope". Ahh…just what I needed to keep on believing…. Indeed, God works through such amazing, unexpected ways. Pay attention to your life, that you might find the hidden mick Jesus there, ready to "SURPRISE!!" you.

     Kneeling as I crept to my bed, I stopped and said my goodnight-prayer and I just felt that I needed to open up the famous Jeremiah 29:11 and for the first time, I saw it from a totally different perspective.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

     It really struck me, as someone who is going through the i-don’t-know season, when I saw that two words "I KNOW" declared by the Lord, I fell flat to my face and for the first time I realized I’ve been looking at the wrong direction which is myself and what I can do and what I should do instead of trusting that He knows even though I don’t. How blind I had been all this while. He got my back and even goes before me. What else could have caused me to worry? Who cares if I don’t know, He knows!

"Forgive me for being so blind, O Lord."

     This memory struck me while I was on the plane for a business trip to
Singapore a few weeks ago and it came with a message with it.

     When I was a kid, I always told myself that whenever I got the chance to fly, I would open the aircraft window and grab as many clouds as I could.

At the age of 7, part of the dream came true, but to my disappointment, I somehow couldn’t open the window, hence my name isn’t written on the Guinness Book Of Records as the first kid who caught a cloud (no wonder we’re still catching a cold).

     So anyway, I didn’t know about pressure thing and whatsoever explanation back then. I simply thought that my imagination was the truth. I got all my plans worked out, how I would throw tantrums so that I could get the window seat and etc. But, guess heaven didn’t think I could handle some fame yet….kidding..

     Same with my walk with God, there are times, especially "bad-times" when I would think that God must hated me now or He didn’t love me anymore or guess He couldn’t take my behaviour or whatever wrong thoughts about God you can think of, which of course, is totally a LIE.

     So, what I learnt is that next time I won’t try to think God, I’ll just get to know who He really is and despite how the circumstances might be, He doesn’t change, be it His love, His mercy, faithfulness and ……….you may continue this whenever you discover new things about Him.

     What could be more rewarding than knowing that the day you were born is an independence day of the human race in America? ……………………………. wak wak wak this is such a dumb opening line….

     Anyway, yeap! the 4th of July was my birthday and I am really more than blessed given few of the reasons that I am about to mention.

1. I was alive, thank you Lord.
2. I am still alive, again to you Lord.
3. An old ‘friend’ of mine, by the name of allergy, gave me few kisses on the face but the marks didn’t last that long (still to my Lord)
4. 3 people called and sang me a remix of the "Happy Birthday" song with their horri wonderful voices, go Carol, Judy and Aaron!
5. Someone decided to wait till it was 12 a.m my time so that she could wish me before going to sleep (or at least I think so), thank you Bay Sie
6. A family who couldn’t resist to give me my present rather than waiting for the sun to rise first, Mom, Dad, Cesiuk, Ipik, Teddy, Tino.
7. An early-in-the-morning message with a daily bread, thank you Kak Pipi.
8. A wake-up call that lasted for at least 30 mins, the one with HUGE ears.
9. More sms-es, Romy, Lipe
10. Another phone call, hoho thank you Chiam.
11. Pampering myself.
12. People who tried this classic ignore-her-till-the-end-of-the-day trick, dear cousins.
13. Those friendster comments and birthday wishes, N-Chen, Har, Ted, Kat, Jny, Adi, Juvy, Doreen, Sartika, Jac, etc
14. Another phone call for an old friend, thank you Riani
15. More sms-es, KIDZONE!! Mei Yen, Jessica.
16. Micheal Bay for the wonderful Transformers.
17. Another sms, my big captain Sharon + Chika
18. Yean Ching, sorry I didn’t pick up the earlier one.
19. To those who tried sending me but it didn’t reach….I understand Ce Mek
20. For the belated wishes..thank you Ko Pius, Yanti
21. And thank God I’m 21!!

For those whom I forgot to mention please drop me a line and I’ll add you in. No need to be shy….haha…
Ok God Bless you all!!

     There are times where I doubted my decision of going back instead of staying back and looked for a job in KL. The main reason was because of my church, ECF there. I felt secure in a way that there are great leaders who I could rely on whenever I’m going through something. But I knew I have to go back.

     So, here I am, some people might call it "wilderness" or others would be "exile". Neither of it is actually good in our definition but well… God is always Romans 8:28. As I was reading this particular book yesterday at the airport (yes I find peace in hectic places like that and for the fact that it is faaaaaar away from anywhere =D), I somehow arrived in the chapter where it talks about the wilderness and how Jesus had been there (which means He understands exactly what you’re going through) + overcame it without fallen into sin! Luke 4:1-13

     I guess everyone knows exactly how it feels to be here, "parched promises, shifting commitments, burning anger, miraging hope…" (a portion from the book) and so as I couldn’t bear it anymore, I ran to the One who had overcome this before. It was exactly 7 days of fasting and prayer and last night before I went to bed I told Him that I believed He would speak to me the next day.

     One word that I would always use to describe God; Faithful.

     This morning as I opened one of my daily devotion emails randomly, there it goes an answer. The hmm…amazing thing about it was that the content of the email was exactly the same with the "Letter to the Exile" post in my Grey Room blog,  Jeremiah29:4-14. A coincidence? I don’t think so.

     Thank You, Jesus.

     Now, I don’t doubt my decision of going back anymore, in this "wilderness" I learnt to rely on the Holy Spirit Himself instead of my leaders. There are doubts of whether I heard it right or was it my own thoughts or feelings, but one thing I’m sure is that God never even blinks in watching me.

     Guess there would be a time where you just need to learn to swim on your own ( I don’t mean without God), neither do I mean that we don’t need leaders. It’s just that there would times where your leaders aren’t going to be there and all you have is Him (who is always there).

     Thank you leaders. =D

     After reading and put some thoughts into people’s biographies like Joseph’s, Job’s, Jesus’ and to look at my life still discouraged is a real big mistake.

      These few days, I have been fasting and praying (that means cutting down on jogging, so yes fatty you can stay for couple of days for now) and went through different things; mostly, if I were to be negative, I would say discouragements. But Nah….I don’t have time or energy for that now.

     Family matters, personal struggles and others that’s been visiting me have changed me inside out; to be more serious, less wacky, less funny, more boring, more quiet, lower… lower but it took a moment for the deja vu to hit me.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed…" 2 Cor 4:7-10

     Aaaah that verse, I knew it somewhere. Lessons learnt though some things are being wasted just like that, things that can’t be redemeed anymore. NO no no, enough on focusing on those problems, won’t change anything, I can’t see through the mist; but I know well someone who can.

     So, enough on the whining and the pity parties, it’s time to change gear, change mindset, leave some unnecessary baggages behind…none of this gonna be easy but yeah I got Jesus in me. Now, I can die*.

     It’s been couple of months since I left, but I the memories are still fresh in my mind. Yes, I am talking about my familia, the ECF-ers, KL. I was browsing some not-that-old pictures and 3 years of life experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

     It was where I was found by Him, where I heard the greatest love story, loved (still doing that) and be loved, where I learnt the word "servant" and embraced it, where I volunteered and loving it, where I develop…i mean preserved my child-ish side (yeah KIDZONE rawks!), bullied by kids (my poor new t-shirt, my hand-me-down pants and my socks; discipled n disciplined by great leaders, made some people laughed and laughed myself, cried together, prayed together, spent nights in church to do deco, cleaned n rearranged the entire library, arranged chairs, slept over people’s house, welcome people for sleepover, helped people moved out and moved myself, broke the breaking news (McJie), photostated things, bound manuals, counted t-shirts, sold t-shirts, sang together, shouted, danced, n jumped together; went out to eat very late at night (yummy mamak n burgers hihi), spent the whole night talking (you are responsible for this CHAROWLYN YONG), spent the whole night watching movies…FRIENDS was one of them (thanx CHIAM), doing assignments, cooked together both for sendirian berhad and also for the parties, went campings with the whole church, took pictures, attended weddings, be chi muis (no idea how to spell that), celebrated birthdays, supported those who went for baptism (and been baptised myself), learnt to care for people, teased people n was teased, ‘kacau’ people (sorry dancers), greeted people (hello office people), played games, involved in a skit, hugged and was hugged (both by force n permission), surprised people, visited orphanage, gained weight, called strangers for hot dog parties, for SNL, slept on the couch, made cold nescafe for *ahem capt’n (remember ah, 1/4 hot water first n must quickly stir it then you add the remaining 3/4 cold water), bought gifts and received mine too, learned to encourage and been encouraged, was ministered, attended classes and conferences, squeezed 9 people in a kelisa (sorry se wei), witnessed JUDY…I mean someone pumped diesel into barney (an unser that uses PETROL) and laughed, heard testimonies and testified myself, learned humility, learned how to lead and be led, couple of goodbyes a long the way which one of them was contributed by me……..and this could go on and on, well I guess what I would like to say is I was changed by changed lives =D

     Thank you God for these great people. Miss you all. Once an ECF-ers, no turning back (that baptism song is playing in my mind now =D)

As I sat down in the restaurant yesterday, scribbling and doodling for some packaging designs, my uncle called me. He sounded serious for once, and immediately I asked myself, "Oh gosh, is he gonna ask questions about God? Ok, God help me out here."
It turned out to be THE question that I am more than willing not to even think about.

Dreams, it was. He opened by first saying about the four of us who had kinda graduated and who is going to take over the restaurant since the second generations have reached their prime and now are declining in their productivity (in a way), hence the third generation should rise up. I felt so burdened about it, not that I have no desire whatsoever for it, it’s just not part of my plan, not part of my dream. I have no adequate skill in managing a restaurant, cooking skill isn’t superb at all, and communication…I stutter.

My eldest sister is in the fashion line, already have sort of customers of her own, my younger sister is on her way to singapore for chemical engineering. My cousin’s stuck, too. And here I am, sort of jobless, waiting for the one and only application, and still thinking of what to do with life next. If I were to get rejected from that application, should I start dreaming of taking another path in my life, towards business (yeah imagine Harvard Business School haha too much Trump), taking over the restaurant, since there’s no one else in the line. What am I going to do? Tempted to *sigh* but I shouldn’t, a friend told me once. My pastor told me something else before I left, but I guess he just doesn’t know everything.

Still holding on to Jer 29:11. Whatever it may be, let it be Your will.