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It was great!! I’m going back home soon, but before that going down to SINGAPORE to attend my eldest sister’s fashion show since she is graduating. My parents and hartati are coming, too! wow what a great thing! (This is how our journey always start, or perhaps most of them)
Everything was smooth, immigration, custom, transport oh of course I wouldn’t forget the flight back to Makassar, it was literally a roller-coaster! I kept singing to myself "He’s got the whole world, in His hands" but on the other hand I was peaceful, kept reassuring myself that I’ve prayed for journey mercy. Confession: actually little part of me wanted a new "adventure", especially after my pastor has been doing his ‘Great and effective door’ series, you know a new door of faith adventure! haha… Anyway, arrived safely at about 1a.m in the morning. 2 cars picked us up straight home. Heard some ‘family-dragged-business stuff’ in the car, which overwhelmed my entire mind, re-calling back things happened the last time I went back, this time it’s worst. Seems that problem never meets its end. Seems like there is no way out. Hopeless.
Woke up in the morning only to be greeted by the blood-sucking creatures. Yeah, that’s my home or perhaps my hometown. Bathed and dressed up as how Lizzie always does, same old clothes with that striped jeans, my white pathetic sling bag, since kindergarten watch with that rubber band tied at its leather strap, glow-in-the-dark handphone, some cash in the left pocket, made sure the beautiful cross necklace is hanging outside my t-shirt and a new novel I bought when I was in Singapore. Arrived at my grandma’s house, my soul was troubled once more. I wanted to cry but I chose not to. She was half paralyzed by the stroke she got a few weeks ago. I could hardly understand what she was saying, making me looked as if I didn’t want to talk to her. It was painful. Wanted to do something, say something to cheer her up (since my mom and other sis were doing great job in doing that), but I did not know how. Should I pray, how am I going to share to her about God, what what…Hopeless.
It became worst during lunch. Have our first family business meeting..i mean pre-meeting. Heard again about the never-ending story on the family matters over money. I wanted to contribute some God thought, but I couldn’t. Hopeless.
While waiting for my parents, I asked my sis to do a prayer walk in our restaurant, at least that’s the best decision or the best thing I could do at that moment. Thank God for prayer. But after that, a voice whispered in my mind, ‘what makes you think God will answer your prayer? Why should ‘I’ bless your parents’ business?’ Recalling I havent’ been really spending much time with Him and now coming with this request, expecting He would answer it. Was that God, or the enemy who tried to deceive me, since the voice used ‘I’?
Christmas is just round the corner, planned some outreaches before I went back. Now, I am at the right location but that vision seems to be blurred by the things that are happening, my soul is troubled, I am trying hard to put the pieces together, but I just couldn’t. Hopeless.
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out - Vaclav Havel What does that mean? Will this holiday end as how it started? Full of joy and excitement? A happy ending?
to be continued…..
