Knowing is one thing, Doing it is another thing

     When I first moved in to my new apartment with another housemate, I experienced a lot of spirital attacks, I think it was about 2-3 times. Those nights were when I was alone in the house. I did experience it before back in the old apartment, quite a number as well, but being a new Christian I have no idea that it was a spiritual attack, though I could feel their presence. Oh well, I ‘kicked’ them out in Jesus’ Name of course.

     Later on, about 2-3 weeks ago, I experienced the same thing, but this time, it was more powerful. I could feel it wasn’t just one or two spirits but there were many of them. It kind of explain the Word, I’d been getting from my daily devotion, and the one that spoke the most was in 2 Chronicles 20:15 Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God’s.

     The night before I got this verse, I had another spiritual attack and it happened just the moment I turned off my light, I could feel one jumping by the side of my bed and the others were already oppressing me. Paralyzed, I could only pray and ask God for help in my mind, knowing He could listen and that He would answer. At that time, I could not feel His presence but that night I could easly fight those vast army and was able to move and called my housemate for help.

     Thoughts began to fill my mind, questions. "How come I could not feel God’s presence that night? Did He come to rescue me?" And all of the sudden a counter thought came in, "Don’t you think the power that you got that night that you were able to set yourself free was from God?"

     Hey, wait a minute… that was very true. At other times, the previous attacks, I could not set myself free, except let it be until I fell asleep and sometimes I could feel God’s presence.

     "My daughter, faith is not whether you feel it or not, but rather you still choose to believe though you do not see nor feel it."

     Other friends came to pray for me, my leader said it might be the sinned I’ve commited that needed to be confessed or simply it was just the place. I did ask God about it that He may reveal what was the thing that caused all those attacks.

     It was not a wonderful experienced AT ALL you know. It made me not to be able to enjoy my finally-good-night-sleep after my semester, made me even more tired when I woke up, made me feel weak and the worst, made me fear even more.

     But little both the enemy and myself knew that God is actually at work. One day, I suddenly felt this brave spirit just aroused in me telling me why should I be afraid for greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, 1 John 4:4. What a promise!! And now, those fear was like effervescence that has finally lost its fizz. Thus, reminds me of another Scripture in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." He is preparing me for something greater that needs a greater level of faith that does not rest on feeling, but a genuine one that based on Him with or without feeling.

     Semester has finally ended, light from the other side of the tunnel has finally made its way to my retina and thus I could finally rest from all the sleepless nights, though I still slept at about 5 in the morning to do some of the stuff for my mom, I could wake up later than usual in the sense.( I actually wanted to write something else earlier but I suddenly feel like posting this first).
     Today, I am not on duty at Kidzone but I don’t know why I woke up earlier than expected. I went out to air my laundry at the balcony and I could feel the cold breeze hitting my face. It was very refreshing. Talking for a while with my housemate, I suddenly felt like spending some time to talk to God, reading His Word. So I went to my room, and start reading, but when it came to the prayer part, I fell asleep.
     Waking up, reminded with the korean TV shows I watched yesterday, I turned my computer on and start browsing for it. Watching, laughing at it, suddenly I felt something inside me, confronting and ’scolding’ me. I was like..hmm ok, what is it?
     The voice’s telling me, wouldn’t it be better if the same kind of spirit, the same kind of enthusiasm to watch those korean shows, is seeking for God instead? Patiently waiting for the show to finish downloading to be patiently waiting ’till God speaks instead? Browsing passionately for favourite superstars update to be passionately wanting to know more about Him instead?
     The quest to find out what does it mean to seek God has finally ended. I had been asking myself and God Himself, what does it mean to seek Him? Forcing Him to speak when I don’t hear Him, but one thing I miss is to wait, to hold on, to continue knocking until He could not stand it anymore, until He is moved and reveal Himself.
     Today, I’ve decided to make Jesus my superstar, whom I will be passionately searching to know more about, excitedly looking forward to talk with, and last but not least be patiently waiting until He is finished ‘downloading’. With that I told Him in prayer,"Oh Lord, that You will give me the kind of heart that seeks You first."

jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know"