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It had been a tough week for me, lots had happened but my little brain didn’t seem to be able to comprehend things…that hurts. Wrong feelings, guilt, confusion, lost…everything seemed to conspire against me…what else is new.
Am I running in days without a rested heart or perhaps being sensational without skill…been praying for disciples since my last "failures"…did I even dare to ask for one, it still hurts by the way…they had arrived, and I do not believe that God gave me simply because I asked for it…God, give me disciples when You think I’m ready and with the right motive. Been building myself…listening to sermons, building a hedge of protection against things that may stumble me, fighting my wrong thoughts with the Word, reading more…I simply couldn’t afford to make another mistake, at least not on the things that God has entrusted with me, esp souls. How can I fill others when I’m empty myself?
Is my labour in vain? Am I growing despite all the efforts?…Been in my ministry for almost three years now, full with passion but I didn’t seem to grow…others had been entrusted with something…maybe I simply have no potential, rest in the thoughts that the leaders know best..though it hurts, I’ll just be there.
"There is a different annointing, different purpose and God is realigning you and it might be painful at times" Ps. Sam.
Back in discipleship, different authority all together; tougher, stronger, and hurts even more…I guess that’s the new alignment…Been a lambchop for quite a time, struggled, learning without a mentor…have I been learning the right things? or maybe the question is have I been learning? It has always been my prayer that God would be hard on me, to discipline me, to make me stronger…be careful with what you ask for, it might come true…it did come true by the way…it hurts most of the time but I know it is for good…but why does it hurt? Bones crushed, die to self, allowing my leader to pierce me with the One that is sharper than double-edged sword, and of course pride. The king’s worst nightmare is when another king is enthrone. Dear my capt’n, I’m sorry if I’ve been given you much trouble, thank you for being the good Samaritan to me, allowing me to board on your ship and sail together, please be hard on me for my good, I don’t mind though it hurts, I might react instead of respond but grace me in that, a cowboy learning to be a sailor. I know I can be a good sailor.
Lots of things I couldn’t understand, I have chosen the faith path, I don’t mind not understanding anything but I can’t lead without it…oh God that You’ll give me wisdom and understanding…it hurts not to be able to understand, overwhelmed most of the times, pity party continues for days…but I’ll choose to move on, not to dwell…it is the decision that matters not the feeling. God has been faithful all the times, showing and lead me to the way out, things just fall into places. This is just another maze, I know the secret better now, lay it all down the moment I got it, salvation is at work, I just need to follow, need to decrease and let Him increase, thus glory be upon His Name at the exit.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:7-10
That’s why I love the Word of God, loving the Author even more…my efforts is not in vain after all. While we’re going through the worst, you are getting in on the best. It’s time to move on…who says Christian life is boring?
It is a tough journey, my mind is too small to comprehend but I’ll choose to put my trust in His Name and that He will deliver me. I might not know what is going on, but I’m rested knowing that God knows and that He is in control.
"All things works for the good of those who love Him", Romans 8:28
It is hard, but I’m gonna focus my eyes on God and I’m gonna come out strong, in Jesus’ Name. God is gonna turn it around, and I need to be ready; ready for rain and ready for change, ready for favor! Hallelujah! God is good. Be blessed.
Thank You, God. Blessed be Your Name.
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u r my great leader, seriously u r !
our life is full of up & down, but it doesnt mean that i ll run away frm u & God when i m down
Where can i go ? where can i find a great leader like u that will accept me as i m ?
I really thanx God when i found u here, a fren that at once serve as my leader, support me when i m weak, the one who is always ready to lend me her ears for my boring& troublesome words & willing to walk with me when life are just suck for me. Yeah, its u , & i found no spare of u !
I might be stuborn sometimes, but still deep inside my heart u r just different & u means more than just a fren for me & i love u, sis ! thanx ya for semuanya, Gbu !
Silvia 09.30.06 @ 10:39 pmu are such humble person. i think u are on fire person….
pYuS-PyUs 10.01.06 @ 7:10 amu always looks for God’s face…
my dear,
Summer 10.02.06 @ 8:07 pmu’re on the way. dun be so hard on yourself.
you just need to build the right foundation and bits by bits take/purify out the wrong things you’d added to this foundation and soon, come wat may and you’ll still be walking on water in the midst of even the perfect storm.
So, take the season to build your foundations. u’ll see the fruits once it’s deeper.
just listen, obey, move on.
hugs! =)