Knowing is one thing, Doing it is another thing

     There are times where I doubted my decision of going back instead of staying back and looked for a job in KL. The main reason was because of my church, ECF there. I felt secure in a way that there are great leaders who I could rely on whenever I’m going through something. But I knew I have to go back.

     So, here I am, some people might call it "wilderness" or others would be "exile". Neither of it is actually good in our definition but well… God is always Romans 8:28. As I was reading this particular book yesterday at the airport (yes I find peace in hectic places like that and for the fact that it is faaaaaar away from anywhere =D), I somehow arrived in the chapter where it talks about the wilderness and how Jesus had been there (which means He understands exactly what you’re going through) + overcame it without fallen into sin! Luke 4:1-13

     I guess everyone knows exactly how it feels to be here, "parched promises, shifting commitments, burning anger, miraging hope…" (a portion from the book) and so as I couldn’t bear it anymore, I ran to the One who had overcome this before. It was exactly 7 days of fasting and prayer and last night before I went to bed I told Him that I believed He would speak to me the next day.

     One word that I would always use to describe God; Faithful.

     This morning as I opened one of my daily devotion emails randomly, there it goes an answer. The hmm…amazing thing about it was that the content of the email was exactly the same with the "Letter to the Exile" post in my Grey Room blog,  Jeremiah29:4-14. A coincidence? I don’t think so.

     Thank You, Jesus.

     Now, I don’t doubt my decision of going back anymore, in this "wilderness" I learnt to rely on the Holy Spirit Himself instead of my leaders. There are doubts of whether I heard it right or was it my own thoughts or feelings, but one thing I’m sure is that God never even blinks in watching me.

     Guess there would be a time where you just need to learn to swim on your own ( I don’t mean without God), neither do I mean that we don’t need leaders. It’s just that there would times where your leaders aren’t going to be there and all you have is Him (who is always there).

     Thank you leaders. =D

     After reading and put some thoughts into people’s biographies like Joseph’s, Job’s, Jesus’ and to look at my life still discouraged is a real big mistake.

      These few days, I have been fasting and praying (that means cutting down on jogging, so yes fatty you can stay for couple of days for now) and went through different things; mostly, if I were to be negative, I would say discouragements. But Nah….I don’t have time or energy for that now.

     Family matters, personal struggles and others that’s been visiting me have changed me inside out; to be more serious, less wacky, less funny, more boring, more quiet, lower… lower but it took a moment for the deja vu to hit me.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed…" 2 Cor 4:7-10

     Aaaah that verse, I knew it somewhere. Lessons learnt though some things are being wasted just like that, things that can’t be redemeed anymore. NO no no, enough on focusing on those problems, won’t change anything, I can’t see through the mist; but I know well someone who can.

     So, enough on the whining and the pity parties, it’s time to change gear, change mindset, leave some unnecessary baggages behind…none of this gonna be easy but yeah I got Jesus in me. Now, I can die*.