Knowing is one thing, Doing it is another thing

Back from Sydney, greeted with the hot and humid weather, my body reacted in an unpleasant way.
Filled with more passion and confidence only to be shaken by a worrying spirit of mine.
Pressured with the coming semester, my brain isn’t willing to cooperate.
I could only rely on the One who truly understands me.
Thousands are hidden and only a few are displayed, only you O Lord who sees what’s hidden.
Anxious about my purpose I have weakened my spirit.
All I wanna do is to serve, but am I good enough to be used?
Failures is what I have, yet I never strive to be better.
Don’t pass me by, don’t let me go O Lord.
For only You could strengthen my faltering knees.
Capture these thoughts and renew my mind.
Give me confidence O Lord, to face this life.
For in you alone I put my trust and hope.
In my heart You are enthrone in the highest place.
No one else could ever replace You.
Not even the mortal whom I hold dearest to my heart.
For all I am is Yours.
I didn’t ask You to erase the memories only the feelings.
For every single heartbeat belongs to You alone.
O Lord that You will crush me, break me, destroy me, undo me.
I rather be a piece of metal that only obeys You.
Yet Your unfailing love melts the solid iron and now I am a treasured clay.
Clay that worths more than silver and gold in Your eyes.
Help me to see that O Lord whenever these eyes lose focus on something else.
Restore me even as I humbled myself in Your presence.
There is no one else for me but You O Lord.
This is the cry of my heart.
Pain is all I am feeling but what is it compares to Yours on that cross.
But I know You understand because You felt it, too.
And that is what makes You my God, my only One.

     When I first moved in to my new apartment with another housemate, I experienced a lot of spirital attacks, I think it was about 2-3 times. Those nights were when I was alone in the house. I did experience it before back in the old apartment, quite a number as well, but being a new Christian I have no idea that it was a spiritual attack, though I could feel their presence. Oh well, I ‘kicked’ them out in Jesus’ Name of course.

     Later on, about 2-3 weeks ago, I experienced the same thing, but this time, it was more powerful. I could feel it wasn’t just one or two spirits but there were many of them. It kind of explain the Word, I’d been getting from my daily devotion, and the one that spoke the most was in 2 Chronicles 20:15 Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God’s.

     The night before I got this verse, I had another spiritual attack and it happened just the moment I turned off my light, I could feel one jumping by the side of my bed and the others were already oppressing me. Paralyzed, I could only pray and ask God for help in my mind, knowing He could listen and that He would answer. At that time, I could not feel His presence but that night I could easly fight those vast army and was able to move and called my housemate for help.

     Thoughts began to fill my mind, questions. "How come I could not feel God’s presence that night? Did He come to rescue me?" And all of the sudden a counter thought came in, "Don’t you think the power that you got that night that you were able to set yourself free was from God?"

     Hey, wait a minute… that was very true. At other times, the previous attacks, I could not set myself free, except let it be until I fell asleep and sometimes I could feel God’s presence.

     "My daughter, faith is not whether you feel it or not, but rather you still choose to believe though you do not see nor feel it."

     Other friends came to pray for me, my leader said it might be the sinned I’ve commited that needed to be confessed or simply it was just the place. I did ask God about it that He may reveal what was the thing that caused all those attacks.

     It was not a wonderful experienced AT ALL you know. It made me not to be able to enjoy my finally-good-night-sleep after my semester, made me even more tired when I woke up, made me feel weak and the worst, made me fear even more.

     But little both the enemy and myself knew that God is actually at work. One day, I suddenly felt this brave spirit just aroused in me telling me why should I be afraid for greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, 1 John 4:4. What a promise!! And now, those fear was like effervescence that has finally lost its fizz. Thus, reminds me of another Scripture in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." He is preparing me for something greater that needs a greater level of faith that does not rest on feeling, but a genuine one that based on Him with or without feeling.

     Semester has finally ended, light from the other side of the tunnel has finally made its way to my retina and thus I could finally rest from all the sleepless nights, though I still slept at about 5 in the morning to do some of the stuff for my mom, I could wake up later than usual in the sense.( I actually wanted to write something else earlier but I suddenly feel like posting this first).
     Today, I am not on duty at Kidzone but I don’t know why I woke up earlier than expected. I went out to air my laundry at the balcony and I could feel the cold breeze hitting my face. It was very refreshing. Talking for a while with my housemate, I suddenly felt like spending some time to talk to God, reading His Word. So I went to my room, and start reading, but when it came to the prayer part, I fell asleep.
     Waking up, reminded with the korean TV shows I watched yesterday, I turned my computer on and start browsing for it. Watching, laughing at it, suddenly I felt something inside me, confronting and ’scolding’ me. I was like..hmm ok, what is it?
     The voice’s telling me, wouldn’t it be better if the same kind of spirit, the same kind of enthusiasm to watch those korean shows, is seeking for God instead? Patiently waiting for the show to finish downloading to be patiently waiting ’till God speaks instead? Browsing passionately for favourite superstars update to be passionately wanting to know more about Him instead?
     The quest to find out what does it mean to seek God has finally ended. I had been asking myself and God Himself, what does it mean to seek Him? Forcing Him to speak when I don’t hear Him, but one thing I miss is to wait, to hold on, to continue knocking until He could not stand it anymore, until He is moved and reveal Himself.
     Today, I’ve decided to make Jesus my superstar, whom I will be passionately searching to know more about, excitedly looking forward to talk with, and last but not least be patiently waiting until He is finished ‘downloading’. With that I told Him in prayer,"Oh Lord, that You will give me the kind of heart that seeks You first."

jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know"

Campus Day wasn’t just fun but it was one of the days when I felt I had spent my day purposefully. It was tiring but knowing that I traded it with better things, man..it was nothing.
Reading some of my friends’ blogs before sleeping. it was one of my ways to evangelise, as in to come to know what actually in their minds, for blogs are like diaries, people pour out their thought, feelings, problems, everything into it; while listening to some worship songs and this thought which is my favourite to indulge in found the right spot in my mind.
"God, thank You for saving my life. Thank You for giving me a second chance to start a brand-better-new life."
Yes, this is my favourite thought, I will just choose to indulge in it, recalling the goodness of God again and again, how faithful He has been to me, man…I would just find rest in that thought.
Trying to imagine what my life would be like if He hadn’t introduced Himself and tamed this prideful soul. I’m so thankful….
Comparing my life (in a right motive) to those friends that I mentioned above, I could see a totally different lifestyles. Again, hmm how can I put in words….Their life is just filled with things that are temporary, some full with anger, disrespectful, being unthankful; I couldn’t imagine I could survive living that kind of life, but then again they might be blinded, they couldn’t see…
That’s when my heart cries out for them, how can I share about my life with God to them? They might have taken me for granted, do not really care for my existance, but with God’s love in me, I still love them, still trying, struggling to seize the oppurtunity to share, not that I’ve never done it, but what I mean is perseverance.
"Let us not be weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up", Galatians 6:9
I doesn’t matter if tomorrow they didn’t recall me being their friends, only come to me when they need help, when they show no appreciation (though I don’t deny that I do want to see even just a glimpse of it)….It doesn’t matter anymore, as long as I know that I did what my Father would be pleased, would be proud of me and remember me whenever and wherever I am.
"All I need is You God, whom shall I fear. I’m so in love with You, I’m so thankful that You found me and accepted me for who I really am, without any mask, without any effort to look good before You. Help me Lord to introduce You to them, let them know and experience You just as I have. I’m so thankful."

Fruitfulness…a promise that has yet to make its way through in my life. Haven’t even seen a glimpse of it…yet. Why? I thought it was a promise for Abraham’s descendants…and the Bible says I’m one of them, but why? What’s stopping the promise to be fulfilled?

These questions are not created to be answered since I’d already known the answer.  What’s stopping the promise? It’s me… My indulgence in my past failures, seems good to have a self-pity which turns out to be a virus eating up your soul from inside. What can I do? Is there still a way out? A way to see the promise made fulfilled in me? Oh what should I do?

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
on to the crashing waves

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are- 

(By Casting Crowns)

What have I got myself into? Guarding my heart by hearing to the laughters of people or perhaps the enemy? Boy, was I wrong! Perhaps I should start listening to the other Voice that tells a different story?  A Voice telling that I should not be afraid…hmm I think it’ll make me feels better. How about you?

Romans 8:31 What, then, shall we say in the response to this? If Gos is for us, who can be against us?

When I look to the sky, my soul is disturbed yet is at peace
I feel I’m lacking of something yet couldn’t figure out what it was
Perhaps it reminds me of the unachievable dream that is still buried deep inside my heart
A dream since my childhood days. the greatest dream I could ever have
A dream to see the what’s beyond the atmosphere, beyond this small planet Earth I’m living in

Elizabeth S. Jie aka Ambassador471986

I was challengeled by God not to go online after SNL, our saturday night service for the young people ^.^ So I continued with my Bible reading and I got a revelation of another characteristics of my beautiful God. In Genesis 16:13 She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: "You are the God who SEES me, "…. to be continued*  and in Genesis 17:20 And as for Ishmael, I have HEARD you…
Today, Sun 12th March 2006 I was stuck alone in the lift for about 45 minutes. The funny thing was it only happened when I reached the 12th floors which is where I am staying, and the ‘DING’ sound was already given the right to voice out with the sound of the thunder roaring so as the electricity went out. "Ouh. I’m stuck? Cool!", talking to myself. Told some friends about it and everyone replies with the same questions whether I’ve pressed the bell. Daryl helped me to call the security. Thanx bro. So, anyway during that ’short’ period of time, after the massive sms that came in, it was quiet. Feeling at peace and lonely, I remembered the scriptures I read last night. God sees me or perhaps He was looking at me at that time. I told Him to get me out of the lift by 4 pm because I still had assignments to do. Waiting and waiting, I sang God a few songs, took out my iPod that He gave  (told you about it some other time) to listen some of worship songs. Forty-five minutes and I was imagening what my friends were doing while I was stuck. Surely they didn’t just sit and did nothing or worrying, my sister continued with her shopping, others continued with what they were stuck into also, some were resting, some doing assignments. It kind of reminds me that I need to work on my salvation myself, couldn’t just depend on my leaders, for all of us are running in a race. No one wants to be left behind. It was exactly 4pm when I heard someone was trying to open the door.  What a God who SEES, HEARS and ANSWERS I am serving! He saw me alone in the lift, heard my prayer and answered it at the perfect time…. and as for my part….* for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me."

     Time passed by so quickly, struggling to put aside things that had been my worries without forgetting to ‘throw’ them at God in my prayers, knowing that He doesn’t mind.  I continued with the plans I had before flying back home, though there were some alterations. "If I can’t reach out to my friends since they are scatterred still bounded with assignments, I’ll do with the people surrounding me, my family", I told myself.
     Brought back a new One2One booklet and just planning for discipleship for siblings. It was literally one to one, since they have different schedules of tons of tuitions which reminded me of my own childhood days, unforgettable. I was glad that they were eager to learn not just in bahasa Indonesia, which I struggled at, but also in English, which I am already used to. But the best is yet to come.
     When I was doing my discipleship with my younger brother, my chubby not-literally-little cousin came in just to sit and enjoy his food. Being sensitive to an opportunity to get one more soul for Jesus, I asked him to join with our little ‘discussion’. By God’s mercy for opening his heart, he responded, hadn’t closed the deal yet, but he responded to the ‘bridge’ illustration. His interest started to grow. I didn’t want to lose any opportunity, but on the other hand I couldn’t be too forceful that will lure him away instead. Relying on the Spirit, I just mentioned about it whenever the Spirit said so.
     I was so surprised and at the same time thankful that this 12 years’ old kid responded so openly and of course positively. Praise God. He was willing to spend time to discuss the Purpose Driven Life book with me. We chatted about the Creator. I couldn’t help but to share this to my lil’ sister, Anita and with that she closed the deal with him. Praise God!!!!!! Hence, I challenged my sister to disciple him. But she left to soon for malaysia and so I learned to feed another sheep.
     We started from the first chapter and the second one. They love discipleship so much that even after I translated everything in bahasa Indonesia, they still ask me the English part, they memorized the Scriptures, asked questions and I still remembered the 2nd last discipleship, I asked them to pray out loud and though they were shy at first, but then after that, I heard the most beautiful, sincere prayer in my life.
     I set aside sometime, when my favourite korean soap opera is being aired ( it was our fasting and prayer season) to just pray for my family and friends, not forgetting at night before I slept to pray for healing for my grandparents, embracing the hope that is there. Grandma’s getting better physically not emotionally yet, couldn’t control her anger….sometimes. Did my best to make her laugh whenever I visited her. Tried not to look sad,  giving out the HOPE vibes. Praise God.
     Our last discipleship, I was contemplating whether to do the third chapter which is really closely related to the fourth one but since I didn’t have the time, I did evangelism with them. It was another great door for another soul. This time was that very-not-literally-little cousin’s sister. She has been a Catholic all this while. She was just happened to come in to my room to grab and read some comic books, but turned out paying attention to our ‘discussion’. She was listening with her heart. Praise God. I reminded them about the ‘bridge’ illustration that they can use it to start a conversation with their friends, and she was puzzled, and the others were just forcing and begging me to tell her about it. So I did, and to my surprise, she didn’t point at the type of person I thought she is. Responded to the Spirit, I asked her why. Why after this so long, she still couldn’t understand what that CROSS really mean? She was opened to share and I was just led by the Spirit explained to her and reminded her that whenever she doubted, just ask someone, or perhaps ask God himself. I blessed them with a prayer and I flew off…. the next day.
     I was a bit worried though because they are not really planted in a church yet, I just commit them into His hand, assured that He will protect them.
     Everything turned out well by the end of the day, there were actually more great doors opened during those days, praise God, but didn’t seem have the space to pen all them down. God is simply GOOD!
      Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but
the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out
-  Vaclav Havel    I finally knew what it means, though still working to apply it. This holiday ended with a happy ending.

THE END

     It was great!! I’m going back home soon, but before that going down to SINGAPORE to attend my eldest sister’s fashion show since she is graduating. My parents and hartati are coming, too! wow what a great thing! (This is how our journey always start, or perhaps most of them)

     Everything was smooth, immigration, custom, transport oh of course I wouldn’t forget the flight back to Makassar, it was literally a roller-coaster! I kept singing to myself "He’s got the whole world, in His hands" but on the other hand I was peaceful, kept reassuring myself that I’ve prayed for journey mercy. Confession: actually little part of me wanted a new "adventure", especially after my pastor has been doing his ‘Great and effective door’ series, you know a new door of faith adventure! haha… Anyway, arrived safely at about 1a.m in the morning. 2 cars picked us up straight home. Heard some ‘family-dragged-business stuff’ in the car, which overwhelmed my entire mind, re-calling back things happened the last time I went back, this time it’s worst. Seems that problem never meets its end. Seems like there is no way out. Hopeless.

     Woke up in the morning only to be greeted by the blood-sucking creatures. Yeah, that’s my home or perhaps my hometown. Bathed and dressed up as how Lizzie always does, same old clothes with that striped jeans, my white pathetic sling bag, since kindergarten watch with that rubber band tied at its leather strap, glow-in-the-dark handphone, some cash in the left pocket, made sure the beautiful cross necklace is hanging outside my t-shirt and a new novel I bought when I was in Singapore. Arrived at my grandma’s house, my soul was troubled once more. I wanted to cry but I chose not to. She was half paralyzed by the stroke she got a few weeks ago. I could hardly understand what she was saying, making me looked as if I didn’t want to talk to her. It was painful. Wanted to do something, say something to cheer her up (since my mom and other sis were doing great job in doing that), but I did not know how. Should I pray, how am I going to share to her about God, what what…Hopeless.

     It became worst during lunch. Have our first family business meeting..i mean pre-meeting. Heard again about the never-ending story on the family matters over money. I wanted to contribute some God thought, but I couldn’t. Hopeless.

     While waiting for my parents, I asked my sis to do a prayer walk in our restaurant, at least that’s the best decision or the best thing I could do at that moment. Thank God for prayer. But after that, a voice whispered in my mind, ‘what makes you think God will answer your prayer? Why should ‘I’ bless your parents’ business?’ Recalling I havent’ been really spending much time with Him and now coming with this request, expecting He would answer it. Was that God, or the enemy who tried to deceive me, since the voice used ‘I’?

     Christmas is just round the corner, planned some outreaches before I went back. Now, I am at the right location but that vision seems to be blurred by the things that are happening, my soul is troubled, I am trying hard to put the pieces together, but I just couldn’t. Hopeless.

     Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out -  Vaclav Havel    What does that mean? Will this holiday end as how it started? Full of joy and excitement? A happy ending?

to be continued…..

A hug? Does it sound familiar to you? It’s certainly one of the last thing I would think of. But yet, there’s something in a hug that…that… I just felt..

It was during my first, wonderful, amazing,contending…yet i kinda missed some of the things that God had for me… church camp. Having a C personality, I tend to detach or perhaps it is just a nature of human to isolate themselves when they are depressed…..

So, on the second night of the camp, Ps Norman made an altar call for those who wanted fresh encounter with God….again… At that time, part of me wanted to go up, the other were influenced by the sudden appearance of voices saying that I have had enough, that I do not need it anymore…It was hard to recognise the source of those voices at that time, I was…..confused or perhaps deceived…

But then I went up, I waited…. waited for the pastor to come and pray for me, waited for the Holy Spirit to fall upon me, waiting…. 

If only I waited for a little longer, if only I stirred up my Spirit more, perhaps I would encounter Him, perhaps I did not need to suffer a little longer, perhaps I could enjoy the remaining days of my camp, but I chose not to, I went back without breaking the chains. Ran to toilet, trying to let my feelings have their freedom to express themselves , it didn’t happen. Went back to the sanctuary, hide myself at one of four adjacent corners… sitting, looking at people encountering Him, realizing that I had made a wrong decision. Then, I just continued to stay in that mood… which again…..was wrong.

Then, someone I knew, passed by. I tried to avoid looking at her,she just came and HUGGED me. No words came out of her mouth which is the wisest thing to do at that time, for after that some people came and talked to me but I kind of didn’t want to listen them, but on the other side I didn’t want to be rude, so I replied….reluctantly.

But the best was yet to make its way through. The Pastor asked us to gather and few people were asked to distribute the ministries option form, when SHE happened to pass by in frontof me, saw the distress in my face, handed the remaining pieces of the forms and HUGGED me. Tears were just sprinting down its invisible tracks. My feelings had their freedom. My fortress was broken down. God started to fill up the empty spaces.

It was the same feeling when the first time I came to my Father’s house, and the Pastor asked us to give each other a hug, and SHE just turned to me and HUGGED me.

There is power in a hug….